A Perceval McGiggins Mystery: Case #104

16 Mar

I sat in my barely furnished office, waiting for the day to approach. I hadn’t slept in two days. Two days. Jesus. Well, not counting the four hours I fell asleep while watching a “Mythbusters” marathon. But besides from that, two days. Two days. Technically. Also, I take a half hour nap after each wank. Up to three a day now. Good for you, goddamnit, I tell myself. So, in essence I hadn’t slept for two days. Felt like it, anyway. Maybe a day. Point is: I was tired. I was tired of waiting for the case that would make me a big time player. I stared out of my office window and saw the sun ascend towards the heavens. I didn’t notice her entering my office. Which was strange, because the door was right next to the window I was staring through. She moved so quietly. Like a cat. Or a panther. Or a very well trained super ninja. I removed my ear muffs and regarded her closely.

She had shapely legs that seemed to go on for hours. Perhaps 45 minutes, if I was being unkind. Her hips swayed to a supernatural rhythm, which was odd, because she was already sitting down in my favorite camping chair. Her breasts were nothing short of marvelous, and they were highly functional because they attracted attention away from her lack of collar bones. Her face was okay. I decided that staring at her for a half hour was enough and might be considered rude for someone not in the habit of being ogled by a hard boiled egg… uh, detective.

“Can I help you?” I snarled.
“Are you Perceval McGiggins, the famous detective?” she whispered in a voice laced with sex and cough medicine.
“I am not. He was my father.”
“Are you his son?”
“Not related, sorry.”
“I need a detective”
“My father is dead.”
“May I speak to him?”
“Do you always answer a question with a question?”
“I didn’t…”

I cut her off with a wave of my hand. I conjured up a smile from my bowels and looked into her eyes, which I hadn’t been doing, since I was staring at her gumboots. I told her I would take the case.

“The case?”
“That’s right. The case.”
“I haven’t told you…”
“I have a nose for these things.” I did also have an ear, throat and spleen for such things, but I failed to mention it. I must remember to mention it, I told myself in my staccato mind voice.

“Four rand a day… minus expenses” I said in a tone that I would later recognize as something I forgot as soon as I recognized it.

“Mr. McGiggins…
“Mr. McGiggins was my father” I shouted, “You can call me Perceval McGiggins.”
“Perceval McGiggins…”
“Mister. Please. I don’t know you; you don’t know me, lady.”
“Mr. McGiggins, can you handle a case of such magnitude?”

I gave a confident nod, even though I didn’t understand what magnitude meant. I wondered if it had something to do with the case. Magnets? Magneto? X-men? XXX? Pornography?

I felt myself getting hard and sleepy at the same time. I assured the lady I would take care of her case. She said something about “explaining” but I was too busy playing with myself through my pocket to notice. She left in a huff, and I knew I hit a nerve.

Strange thing is, I never saw her again. Did the evil that exists out in the world, the evil she asked me to investigate, finally catch up with her? Perhaps I would never know. But I will investigate. I will always investigate…

For that is what I do.

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